Overwhelmed

It was a year ago today that I found out I was pregnant - and to be honest, I was pretty overwhelmed at the time.

For months, Andrew and I had discussed having another baby. We had gone back and forth with me begging for another baby and Andrew feeling like we already had more than we could handle.  I knew how blessed we were to have five healthy children, and I knew our lives were pretty chaotic, but I still felt this longing for one more baby.

It took several months and lots of prayers and conversations and even some tears, but finally Andrew and I were on the same page, ready to try for one more baby.

It was only a few weeks after we made the decision that I knew I was pregnant.  Even before I had the official pregnancy test results, I knew.  However, it was a year ago today, that I actually took the test, and as soon as I saw that little line appear on the test showing that I was pregnant, I felt completely overwhelmed.

Even though this is what I had wanted for so many months, once I saw that line appear, the conversations and decisions were done and the reality of the situation set in.  The prospect of being sick for the next four months was overwhelming.  The discomfort of those last few months of pregnancy was overwhelming. Lucy was just getting toilet trained and the idea of starting over with diapers was overwhelming.  I was just a few months away from having all my kids in school which meant I would have a two afternoons a week all to myself, and giving that up felt pretty overwhelming.  Almost all my friends are done having kids and starting over with a new baby "alone" felt overwhelming.  I couldn't believe I had done this to myself.

Fortunately, those despondent feelings of being overwhelmed didn't last long.  Was I sick at the beginning of my pregnancy? Yes! Very.  Was I uncomfortable at the end? Yes! Very. (From about 20 weeks on!)  Have any of my friends jumped on board and decided to have more kids too?  No! (Bummer.)  But all those things I was so overwhelmed about turned out to be nothing but a small moment in time.

This is the smile of an uncomfortable woman - ten days before delivery.

So, here I am a year later, and guess what - I am feeling totally overwhelmed again.

Emily and Sarah - 10 days old

(image: Heather Pickett Photography)

Only now, I am overwhelmed with absolute joy and gratitude for these sweet baby girls who are part of our family.  A year ago today, when I took that pregnancy test, there was no part of me that imagined us having twins - and there was no part of me that could have pictured how fun our life would be with these two ladies in it.

Our whole family is completely and absolutely in love with these girls.  They are constantly being held and cuddled and tickled and loved.  A few weeks ago, long after I had put all my kids to bed, Peter came wandering out from his bedroom.

"What's up?" I asked him.

"I can't really sleep." he said.  "I was just lying in bed thinking about Emily and Sarah and I can't believe how lucky we are that they get to be in our family."

I took Peter in my arms and gave him a hug because I knew exactly what he meant.  We are so lucky.

Sarah and Emily - 3 months old

Emily and Sarah are the easiest babies.  They sleep through the night.  They are so happy and contented when they are awake.  They only cry when they are hungry.  They nurse well or they take bottles happily.  Dream babies, I tell you.

Sarah and Emily - 4 1/2 months old

Seriously, does it get cuter than this?

They are completely adored by their older siblings and their parents.  It is a miracle they have not been eaten up by one or all of us, because we all nibble on their cheeks and necks and noses and toes all day long.  Almost daily, Andrew and I look at each other and one of us will say, "Can you believe we have these twin girls?  How lucky are we?"

Emily, Lucy and Sarah - May 2013

Early morning snuggles.

We are overwhelmed, I tell you.  We are beyond blessed by having these girls in our family.  A year ago, I couldn't picture any of it, but thankfully, although I was completely overwhelmed at the time, Heavenly Father knew exactly what we needed for our hearts and our family to be filled.  Today, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy for the blessing of it all.

Henry's Baptism & Emily and Sarah's Blessing Day

May 18, 2013

Back to Reality

One of the inevitable realities of having a baby (or babies,) is that at some point, you have to come out of that blissful baby bubble and realize that real life is still going on all around you.

Emily and Sarah - one week old

While I am still gaga over my sweet baby girls, reality has hit hard these past few weeks.  Ever since these babies were born, every person in our family has been sick at least once - some two or three times.  We'd had a relatively healthy winter with very few colds or coughs or stomach bugs - until the day I got home from the hospital with the twins.

As Andrew and I pulled the car into the driveway, Isaac, who was so excited to have us home, came running to the car and said, "Can I hold the babies!?" followed by a loud sniff and a terrible cough.  YUCK.  The poor boy had to spend the next several days wearing a medical mask and practically bathing in hand sanitizer.

That was only the beginning of the illnesses at our house.  Every child had some sort of upper respiratory infection, including a fever, a runny nose and a hacking cough.  Sarah and Emily were sequestered in our bedroom and our poor other kids weren't even allowed in there.

Henry was sick for a few days with fever and cough, and on the third day, when I thought he would be well enough to go to school, he somehow climbed out of bed and realized he couldn't walk.  His legs were cramping and killing him and he shuffled stiff-legged, like a 90-year old man as he tried to walk.  Finally, it was too painful for him to walk, so he got down on the floor and commando crawled across the kitchen floor.

I was pretty nervous as I helped him, wondering what was wrong with my boy.  At first, Andrew thought perhaps he was dehydrated, but that wasn't it.  After a little research, we realized that he had benign acute childhood myositis, a condition that occurs usually in young boys, after a fever and cold, and makes it extremely painful to walk for few days.  It was crazy.  Here I had one-month old twins, and my seven-year-old son couldn't walk.  It was such a relief when he was back to his normal self a few days later.

It was only a couple of days later that Andrew was at work and I was up around 3:30am feeding the babies.  Suddenly I heard a noise coming from the boys room, followed by the unmistakable sound of vomiting.  UGH.  I set the baby down and ran to the bathroom to find Isaac.  He had jumped out of his bed feeling sick, and run to the bathroom just in time to hurl all over the TOP of the toilet lid - and the floor, and the side of the tub.  Awesome.  (Note to Isaac: next time, just throw up in the tub, or the garbage, or even the sink.)

While I was in helping Isaac get cleaned up and back to bed, I heard Lucy from her room say something about throw-up.  At first I wondered if she had be awakened by Isaac, but I quickly ran to her room just in time to see her throw-up all over her bed and onto the floor.  Of course, seconds later, both babies started to cry and all I could do was text Andrew and laugh.  Throw-up all over a bathroom and a bedroom and two babies crying at 4:00 in the morning, what's not funny about that?

Anyway, eventually, everyone got feeling better - but not before both babies caught little sniffles themselves.  It was a long six weeks dealing with all the illnesses, and kids staying home from school, and it was rough way to be dragged from my blissful baby bubble into the reality of caring for seven kids - in sickness and in health.

Still at the end of those sick days, when everyone was in bed for the night and the only sound throughout the house was the echo of hacking coughs coming from sleeping children, it was pure joy to go into my room and snuggle my babies and for at least a few hours, be back inside that glorious, heavenly, baby bubble.

Introducing...

Emily Elizabeth

6 lbs. 7 oz. 

Sarah Elizabeth

5 lbs. 14 oz.

born: February 20, 2013

at 4:42 pm and 4:45 pm

Emily and Sarah

The delivery went smoothly and we were able to bring them home two days after they were born.  We feel so blessed to have two healthy, beautiful babies in our home.  There is nothing like a newborn baby to bring heaven into your home, and we have felt that so strongly with these two sweet girls.  

Sarah and Emily couldn't be more different from each other - Emily has blue eyes; Sarah has dark eyes.  Emily has fair skin, Sarah has an olive complexion.  Emily has long, slender fingers; Sarah has the tiniest hands I've ever seen.  Emily has type B blood, Sarah has type A blood.  Emily seems a little feisty, Sarah seems more mellow.  Somehow, despite these differences, it is so obvious that these two girls know and love each other and absolutely belong together. 

The day we brought them home from the hospital, I was watching them snuggle together and thinking about the miracle it is that we have these two girls.  I thought about the miscarriage I had eighteen months ago that put me on the path of wanting another baby.  I looked at those girls and wondered which one of them might have been that blighted ovum who said, "Not without my sister," and went back to get the other spirit that so clearly belongs in our home.  It struck me as a little funny, but there is no doubt that these two girls belong together and this was the only way they were both going to make it into our family.

Sarah and Emily

We have felt so blessed over the past few weeks to have so much help from family and neighbors.  Andrew had the first ten days off work and he ran the house and the five other kids while I really did nothing but take care of these babies.  Last week my mom was here to help so my baby-fest lasted even longer.  Talk about heaven! Two weeks of nothing but swaddling, nursing, and drinking in their sweetest baby smells.  

These days are so fleeting and I am doing my best to memorize every part of them: the shape of their ears, the fuzz on their shoulders and backs, the way Sarah wrinkles her forehead when she looks up at me, the way they grunt and sigh and seem to be communicating with each other, the look in their eyes as they gaze around this big world for the first time but are still a part of heaven,  their skinny little chicken legs that fold on top of each other like they did when they were inside me, the glazed look they get when they are full of milk, the way they smell, the way they rest their heads on my shoulder when I burp them.  I know I've said it before, but these two girls are my last babies, and I am clinging to every ounce of newborn perfection I can.

Our five other kids are completely smitten with their sisters. There are always offers to hold babies, help change diapers, burp babies, or just keep a watch while they sleep.  And while these offers may not last forever, Sarah and Emily are lucky girls to have five older siblings who adore and love them.  

First minutes home from the hospital. 

(That glow may be sun coming in the windows, or it may just be a little bit of heaven.)

We feel completely blessed that my pregnancy went so well.  There were times toward the end of my pregnancy that I was wishing someone would please put me on bed rest, but truthfully, there is nothing better than delivering two healthy babies at 37.5 weeks.  

These girls are a such a blessing for our family.  It's amazing how something you never even knew you wanted can fill your life to the point that you can't imagine living without it.  That's how we feel about these girls.  Our family just wouldn't feel complete without them here filling up our days and nights.  Needless to say, we are all in love. 

Pink Will Be Our Color This Spring...

A couple of weeks ago,  I went to the doctor for my 20 week ultra-sound.   As anyone who's had a baby knows, this is the BIG ultrasound, during which you find out the gender of the baby (or in our case, babies.)

Everyone in our house was anxious to find out what we were having.  There were bets and conversations about whether it would be two boys, a girl and a boy, or two girls.  Everyone had an opinion and a secret wish about what they thought we were having.   Only Lucy was confident in her choice.  Since the day we found out we were having twins, Lucy has insisted without wavering, that we are having two girls.  Trying to have a conversation about it with Lucy proved pointless, because she knew that inside my tummy were two baby girls.

On the morning of the ultra-sound Andrew came with me.  I was a little nervous going into it.  Nervous about the genders, nervous about any abnormalities they might find, nervous about how our kids would react to the news.  There was a lot on my mind as we went into the appointment.  All those fears went away, however, as the lights dimmed and the images of our two babies flashed across the screen.  Two little hearts beat, arms waved wildly, legs kicked and I marveled that all that activity was going on inside my body.

The tech measured and examined and viewed everything from all angles.  Andrew and I were just caught up in watching these two babies inside me.  When it came time to discover the genders, these two babies decided to be modest and made the tech really work to discover what we were having.

After all her efforts, it turns out that all we really needed to do was listen to Lucy.  She was right all along.  Sometime in February or March we will be welcoming two baby girls to our family.  It's so funny to think that it wasn't too long ago that I wondered if Abby would ever get another sister.  I was so delighted and relieved when we learned that Lucy would be a girl and that at long last Abby would have a sister.  Now, I can hardly believe that the girls will outnumber the boys and that I will be lucky enough to have four girls.  How crazy is that!?

Thanks to Laura for making these cupcakes when I didn't have the energy!

The night of the ultrasound we announced the exciting news to our families and everyone was so excited.  Abby was so nervous before we told her that she was nearly in tears.  I've never seen a girl so happy as Abby was when she found out we were having two girls.

We are all so excited and feel so blessed to have these two sweet babies coming to our family soon - now we just need to come up with some names!

Make That a Double...

One reason I waited to tell the kids about my pregnancy was that I wanted to see my doctor and make sure everything was okay before I let them know about it.

On August 20th, when I was about 10 weeks along, I went to the doctor.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Terrible," I admitted.  "I cannot believe I brought this on myself."

My doctor laughed.  He probably hears the same sob story 30 times a day.  "You should be over it within the next few weeks, " he said as he pulled out the doppler and ran it across my tummy.

Every time I see the doctor for the first time, I hold my breath a little until he finds the heartbeat.  And, sure enough, this time after just a second of searching, there was that awesome sound of a tiny heartbeat fluttering strongly.  In all my pregnancies, it has been in this moment that a baby has become real to me.  It never ceases to amaze me, that at just ten weeks, when my baby is about the size of an olive, a strong and steady heartbeat can be heard.  Completely miraculous, I tell you.

This time was no different; my own heart grew a few sizes as I listened to that tiny heartbeat.  Even after this many pregnancies and babies, I still felt humbled and amazed to know I was growing a baby inside me.

Due to my "advanced maternal age" my doctor suggested I go the following week to get a first trimester screening.  It would involve a simple blood test and an ultrasound.  No big deal.

So, the next week, on Thursday, August 30th, I went in for my screening. It was a pretty routine thing, so I left Andrew at home with the kids.  The tech had me come into a room where she took some blood from my finger as she asked me a few medical history questions and chatted with me about my kids.

Then it was time for me to "hop" up onto the table for my ultrasound.  The lights in the room dimmed and on the screen in front of me, I saw the familiar blurry ultrasound images of life inside me.  I lay there for a second, waiting for the tech to explain to me what I was seeing, but I was not prepared for what she said.

"Oh," she said. "Did you know you are having twins?"

Let me type that again.

"OH, DID YOU KNOW YOU ARE HAVING TWINS?"

"Are you kidding?" I asked.

"No," she said.  "There are definitely two babies in here."

And then I said the only thing that popped into my head.  "My husband is going to kill me."  (After all, I knew I was pushing my luck when I got him to agree to one more baby - but still what a silly thing to say.)

The rest of the ultrasound was a blur.

I know I kept repeating, "I cannot believe this.  I am freaking out.  I cannot believe this.  I am freaking out.  I cannot believe this.  I am freaking out."  And I really was.  All I could think of was what kind of car we could possibly get - because frankly - I've never dreamed of driving a Ford Econoline van.

From the ultrasound it looks like they are fraternal twins and luckily everything looked perfect and healthy on both of them, but let me repeat: WE ARE HAVING TWINS!  That means we will have  SEVEN children.  It's just so crazy.

I left the ultrasound in a state of shock but was so excited to tell Andrew the news.

When I walked in the door, Andrew was on the phone and needed to send someone an email, but I REALLY wanted him to come look at ultrasound pictures with me.  We sat down on the couch together and he started going through the pictures.  "Look at that one," I said casually.  "Doesn't that profile just look like one of our babies?"  He mumbled some half-hearted agreement.  Finally he came to the last picture (the one above) and just looked at it.

"Are you kidding?" he asked.  And then we both started laughing and kind-of crying all at the same time.  It was awesome.  We were both in shock but laughing as though the biggest practical joke of all time had just been played on us.

It has been so fun telling people since then.  People have been pretty shocked to hear about the pregnancy in the first place, but to then tell them about twins has been hilarious.

I have been on a roller coaster of emotion.  On the one hand, I am so excited and grateful and thrilled beyond words - but I have also felt totally overwhelmed by every aspect of our life.  Our car is too small.  Our house is too small (seriously, we currently have five kids sharing two rooms, I think we'll really be pushing our luck with seven.)  I can't figure out how I will take care of two newborns all night long and then take care of five other kids during the day.  It's all a bit much for me to comprehend right now.

But even through all the overwhelming emotions, there is faith and comfort in knowing that these things are small details that will work themselves out and in the end, we will be blessed with two new babies in our family.  And those two babies will grow into toddlers and into children and teenagers and adults and our life will be forever blessed because of them.

I'm a lucky mama - a lucky, overwhelmed, fairly unorganized, slightly frazzled, but happy mama.

Now, if I can just get through the pregnancy.