Overwhelmed

It was a year ago today that I found out I was pregnant - and to be honest, I was pretty overwhelmed at the time.

For months, Andrew and I had discussed having another baby. We had gone back and forth with me begging for another baby and Andrew feeling like we already had more than we could handle.  I knew how blessed we were to have five healthy children, and I knew our lives were pretty chaotic, but I still felt this longing for one more baby.

It took several months and lots of prayers and conversations and even some tears, but finally Andrew and I were on the same page, ready to try for one more baby.

It was only a few weeks after we made the decision that I knew I was pregnant.  Even before I had the official pregnancy test results, I knew.  However, it was a year ago today, that I actually took the test, and as soon as I saw that little line appear on the test showing that I was pregnant, I felt completely overwhelmed.

Even though this is what I had wanted for so many months, once I saw that line appear, the conversations and decisions were done and the reality of the situation set in.  The prospect of being sick for the next four months was overwhelming.  The discomfort of those last few months of pregnancy was overwhelming. Lucy was just getting toilet trained and the idea of starting over with diapers was overwhelming.  I was just a few months away from having all my kids in school which meant I would have a two afternoons a week all to myself, and giving that up felt pretty overwhelming.  Almost all my friends are done having kids and starting over with a new baby "alone" felt overwhelming.  I couldn't believe I had done this to myself.

Fortunately, those despondent feelings of being overwhelmed didn't last long.  Was I sick at the beginning of my pregnancy? Yes! Very.  Was I uncomfortable at the end? Yes! Very. (From about 20 weeks on!)  Have any of my friends jumped on board and decided to have more kids too?  No! (Bummer.)  But all those things I was so overwhelmed about turned out to be nothing but a small moment in time.

This is the smile of an uncomfortable woman - ten days before delivery.

So, here I am a year later, and guess what - I am feeling totally overwhelmed again.

Emily and Sarah - 10 days old

(image: Heather Pickett Photography)

Only now, I am overwhelmed with absolute joy and gratitude for these sweet baby girls who are part of our family.  A year ago today, when I took that pregnancy test, there was no part of me that imagined us having twins - and there was no part of me that could have pictured how fun our life would be with these two ladies in it.

Our whole family is completely and absolutely in love with these girls.  They are constantly being held and cuddled and tickled and loved.  A few weeks ago, long after I had put all my kids to bed, Peter came wandering out from his bedroom.

"What's up?" I asked him.

"I can't really sleep." he said.  "I was just lying in bed thinking about Emily and Sarah and I can't believe how lucky we are that they get to be in our family."

I took Peter in my arms and gave him a hug because I knew exactly what he meant.  We are so lucky.

Sarah and Emily - 3 months old

Emily and Sarah are the easiest babies.  They sleep through the night.  They are so happy and contented when they are awake.  They only cry when they are hungry.  They nurse well or they take bottles happily.  Dream babies, I tell you.

Sarah and Emily - 4 1/2 months old

Seriously, does it get cuter than this?

They are completely adored by their older siblings and their parents.  It is a miracle they have not been eaten up by one or all of us, because we all nibble on their cheeks and necks and noses and toes all day long.  Almost daily, Andrew and I look at each other and one of us will say, "Can you believe we have these twin girls?  How lucky are we?"

Emily, Lucy and Sarah - May 2013

Early morning snuggles.

We are overwhelmed, I tell you.  We are beyond blessed by having these girls in our family.  A year ago, I couldn't picture any of it, but thankfully, although I was completely overwhelmed at the time, Heavenly Father knew exactly what we needed for our hearts and our family to be filled.  Today, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy for the blessing of it all.

Henry's Baptism & Emily and Sarah's Blessing Day

May 18, 2013

Back to Reality

One of the inevitable realities of having a baby (or babies,) is that at some point, you have to come out of that blissful baby bubble and realize that real life is still going on all around you.

Emily and Sarah - one week old

While I am still gaga over my sweet baby girls, reality has hit hard these past few weeks.  Ever since these babies were born, every person in our family has been sick at least once - some two or three times.  We'd had a relatively healthy winter with very few colds or coughs or stomach bugs - until the day I got home from the hospital with the twins.

As Andrew and I pulled the car into the driveway, Isaac, who was so excited to have us home, came running to the car and said, "Can I hold the babies!?" followed by a loud sniff and a terrible cough.  YUCK.  The poor boy had to spend the next several days wearing a medical mask and practically bathing in hand sanitizer.

That was only the beginning of the illnesses at our house.  Every child had some sort of upper respiratory infection, including a fever, a runny nose and a hacking cough.  Sarah and Emily were sequestered in our bedroom and our poor other kids weren't even allowed in there.

Henry was sick for a few days with fever and cough, and on the third day, when I thought he would be well enough to go to school, he somehow climbed out of bed and realized he couldn't walk.  His legs were cramping and killing him and he shuffled stiff-legged, like a 90-year old man as he tried to walk.  Finally, it was too painful for him to walk, so he got down on the floor and commando crawled across the kitchen floor.

I was pretty nervous as I helped him, wondering what was wrong with my boy.  At first, Andrew thought perhaps he was dehydrated, but that wasn't it.  After a little research, we realized that he had benign acute childhood myositis, a condition that occurs usually in young boys, after a fever and cold, and makes it extremely painful to walk for few days.  It was crazy.  Here I had one-month old twins, and my seven-year-old son couldn't walk.  It was such a relief when he was back to his normal self a few days later.

It was only a couple of days later that Andrew was at work and I was up around 3:30am feeding the babies.  Suddenly I heard a noise coming from the boys room, followed by the unmistakable sound of vomiting.  UGH.  I set the baby down and ran to the bathroom to find Isaac.  He had jumped out of his bed feeling sick, and run to the bathroom just in time to hurl all over the TOP of the toilet lid - and the floor, and the side of the tub.  Awesome.  (Note to Isaac: next time, just throw up in the tub, or the garbage, or even the sink.)

While I was in helping Isaac get cleaned up and back to bed, I heard Lucy from her room say something about throw-up.  At first I wondered if she had be awakened by Isaac, but I quickly ran to her room just in time to see her throw-up all over her bed and onto the floor.  Of course, seconds later, both babies started to cry and all I could do was text Andrew and laugh.  Throw-up all over a bathroom and a bedroom and two babies crying at 4:00 in the morning, what's not funny about that?

Anyway, eventually, everyone got feeling better - but not before both babies caught little sniffles themselves.  It was a long six weeks dealing with all the illnesses, and kids staying home from school, and it was rough way to be dragged from my blissful baby bubble into the reality of caring for seven kids - in sickness and in health.

Still at the end of those sick days, when everyone was in bed for the night and the only sound throughout the house was the echo of hacking coughs coming from sleeping children, it was pure joy to go into my room and snuggle my babies and for at least a few hours, be back inside that glorious, heavenly, baby bubble.

Introducing...

Emily Elizabeth

6 lbs. 7 oz. 

Sarah Elizabeth

5 lbs. 14 oz.

born: February 20, 2013

at 4:42 pm and 4:45 pm

Emily and Sarah

The delivery went smoothly and we were able to bring them home two days after they were born.  We feel so blessed to have two healthy, beautiful babies in our home.  There is nothing like a newborn baby to bring heaven into your home, and we have felt that so strongly with these two sweet girls.  

Sarah and Emily couldn't be more different from each other - Emily has blue eyes; Sarah has dark eyes.  Emily has fair skin, Sarah has an olive complexion.  Emily has long, slender fingers; Sarah has the tiniest hands I've ever seen.  Emily has type B blood, Sarah has type A blood.  Emily seems a little feisty, Sarah seems more mellow.  Somehow, despite these differences, it is so obvious that these two girls know and love each other and absolutely belong together. 

The day we brought them home from the hospital, I was watching them snuggle together and thinking about the miracle it is that we have these two girls.  I thought about the miscarriage I had eighteen months ago that put me on the path of wanting another baby.  I looked at those girls and wondered which one of them might have been that blighted ovum who said, "Not without my sister," and went back to get the other spirit that so clearly belongs in our home.  It struck me as a little funny, but there is no doubt that these two girls belong together and this was the only way they were both going to make it into our family.

Sarah and Emily

We have felt so blessed over the past few weeks to have so much help from family and neighbors.  Andrew had the first ten days off work and he ran the house and the five other kids while I really did nothing but take care of these babies.  Last week my mom was here to help so my baby-fest lasted even longer.  Talk about heaven! Two weeks of nothing but swaddling, nursing, and drinking in their sweetest baby smells.  

These days are so fleeting and I am doing my best to memorize every part of them: the shape of their ears, the fuzz on their shoulders and backs, the way Sarah wrinkles her forehead when she looks up at me, the way they grunt and sigh and seem to be communicating with each other, the look in their eyes as they gaze around this big world for the first time but are still a part of heaven,  their skinny little chicken legs that fold on top of each other like they did when they were inside me, the glazed look they get when they are full of milk, the way they smell, the way they rest their heads on my shoulder when I burp them.  I know I've said it before, but these two girls are my last babies, and I am clinging to every ounce of newborn perfection I can.

Our five other kids are completely smitten with their sisters. There are always offers to hold babies, help change diapers, burp babies, or just keep a watch while they sleep.  And while these offers may not last forever, Sarah and Emily are lucky girls to have five older siblings who adore and love them.  

First minutes home from the hospital. 

(That glow may be sun coming in the windows, or it may just be a little bit of heaven.)

We feel completely blessed that my pregnancy went so well.  There were times toward the end of my pregnancy that I was wishing someone would please put me on bed rest, but truthfully, there is nothing better than delivering two healthy babies at 37.5 weeks.  

These girls are a such a blessing for our family.  It's amazing how something you never even knew you wanted can fill your life to the point that you can't imagine living without it.  That's how we feel about these girls.  Our family just wouldn't feel complete without them here filling up our days and nights.  Needless to say, we are all in love.